Wednesday, March 2, 2016
A Note By This Blog Author
As I continue to overhaul much (most, actually) of the online-writing (blogs/accounts) that I've done on a casual/free-time basis, I'm finding that the last pages that seem to be getting my attention are blogs that I set up with a focus on a single subject/theme. This is one of those blogs.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Some Asked For Thoughts On Whether It's True That Time Heals All Wounrds
Someone online asked others if it's true that time really heals all wounds. The following thoughts are re-posted from my reply (on Bubblews) to that question:
From my own experience, it does, at least when it's something that nobody could have done anything about (like a death) But it, takes more time than we usually think it will or should. Again, just from my own experience, we at first may have to not think about whatever it is, but then over time we kind of start to pull out of the "mental file" marked "process later" some of the parts of whatever happened; and over a period of time we process each part until the whole thing just doesn't have a whole lot of emotion attached to it. That's not saying that, for example, in the case of someone who has passed away, we don't still miss them at times, or in some ways; but it's so much less and feels so much smaller.
How it has always felt to me is as if everything surrounding the event is what we process, think about until we make peace with it, and eventually we make some kind of peace with whatever it is.
If it's a death that has recently happened we don't just tell ourselves to be numb, and we don't just feel numb. Things go on that actually do numb us soon after the death, and gradually the numbness starts to wear off.
I have no doubt that there are some very extreme and awful losses/events that people don't ever get over (in fact they're so unimaginable for most people I can't even make myself put into words an example here. Under most circumstances, though (and even with some horrible things and overwhelming losses) we actually do get over it.
One problem can be, though, that when you've been through something but it's old enough that it has lost its emotional punch for you, if it's big enough it will still be a part of your life; and it may be as much a part of your life/history as, say, the color of your hair or the school you went to. So it has no emotional impact for you. But, others who have't had a similar experience can be very uncomfortable about it if you mention it. In fact they can think you "haven't moved on" when, in fact, you've moved on - but you don't have amnesia. Also, in the case of losing someone, sometimes they were so much a part of your life that not mentioning them means you have to leave big gaps in your "story" any time you're talking about a time in your life when they were here.
With "wounds" that have been inflicted by someone (whether intentionally or not), I think it can be trickier because the person who knows he has been victimized by someone else can have a need to have the other person (or at least someone) acknowledge what happened and that it was wrong. There can be a need for some form of justice as well. Sometimes a person may be able to put it past him and do whatever processing has to be done (and this part can be similar to other types of hurts, like death) if he gets a simple acknowledgement and/or apology. So, while I can't speak for everyone, I can say that what makes some "wounds" not heal is that the process can't be complete without those additional elements (like the acknowledgement and apology). Making things right again would be another thing the person may wish he could have happen (at least ideally), but even that could be "gotten over" better with the other elements.
From my own experience, it does, at least when it's something that nobody could have done anything about (like a death) But it, takes more time than we usually think it will or should. Again, just from my own experience, we at first may have to not think about whatever it is, but then over time we kind of start to pull out of the "mental file" marked "process later" some of the parts of whatever happened; and over a period of time we process each part until the whole thing just doesn't have a whole lot of emotion attached to it. That's not saying that, for example, in the case of someone who has passed away, we don't still miss them at times, or in some ways; but it's so much less and feels so much smaller.
How it has always felt to me is as if everything surrounding the event is what we process, think about until we make peace with it, and eventually we make some kind of peace with whatever it is.
If it's a death that has recently happened we don't just tell ourselves to be numb, and we don't just feel numb. Things go on that actually do numb us soon after the death, and gradually the numbness starts to wear off.
I have no doubt that there are some very extreme and awful losses/events that people don't ever get over (in fact they're so unimaginable for most people I can't even make myself put into words an example here. Under most circumstances, though (and even with some horrible things and overwhelming losses) we actually do get over it.
One problem can be, though, that when you've been through something but it's old enough that it has lost its emotional punch for you, if it's big enough it will still be a part of your life; and it may be as much a part of your life/history as, say, the color of your hair or the school you went to. So it has no emotional impact for you. But, others who have't had a similar experience can be very uncomfortable about it if you mention it. In fact they can think you "haven't moved on" when, in fact, you've moved on - but you don't have amnesia. Also, in the case of losing someone, sometimes they were so much a part of your life that not mentioning them means you have to leave big gaps in your "story" any time you're talking about a time in your life when they were here.
With "wounds" that have been inflicted by someone (whether intentionally or not), I think it can be trickier because the person who knows he has been victimized by someone else can have a need to have the other person (or at least someone) acknowledge what happened and that it was wrong. There can be a need for some form of justice as well. Sometimes a person may be able to put it past him and do whatever processing has to be done (and this part can be similar to other types of hurts, like death) if he gets a simple acknowledgement and/or apology. So, while I can't speak for everyone, I can say that what makes some "wounds" not heal is that the process can't be complete without those additional elements (like the acknowledgement and apology). Making things right again would be another thing the person may wish he could have happen (at least ideally), but even that could be "gotten over" better with the other elements.
So Many Things Take Longer To Heal Than Some Might Think
It was years ago now that some lady on the Internet said how it had
been a year since she lost her husband, and how before she'd become a
widow she always knew how awful it must be to lose one's spouse. She
said, however, that a year after losing her own husband she would never
again underestimate how bad it really was; because before she found
herself in that situation she simply hadn't realized/understood exactly
what kind of things people deal with when they do.
That's kind of how it is with everything (particularly the bad stuff, but also the good stuff in life). We can "only imagine" (and sometimes, maybe, imagine accurately - sort of, maybe). Still, all the tiny little stuff that one goes through when dealing with anything (big, small, good, bad) is often not what others can truly understand (or at least have a slightly better idea about than if they didn't have some similar/comparable experience. Even then, though, there are individual differences that make one experience completely (or at least sort of) different between different individuals.
If there's one thing that I've figured out in life it's that when it comes to some of the more serious and/or complicated experiences (whether that's something like grief or something like a serious and/or complicated medical condition/injury; it's that things generally take a lot longer to heal than those who experience them think they should, thought they would, or hoped they would. That's something we learn when experience some of those things in life. But, as we experience them we also figure out how to get through them AND how, even if they take longer than we thought we can usually see slow improvement (slower than we want, but improvement nonetheless). That all is, as they say, how it is.
The real challenge for people can be, though, that while they manage their way through whatever process there is in getting over something and/or healing; the real problem isn't always the impatience of the person going though something/getting past something. The complicating and difficult part of getting through a bad time or past a bad experience, or healing from some medical issues isn't really even the frustrating, disappointing, or challenging discovery that healing takes longer than the person going through it wanted or thought it should; but that others around him who haven't gone through the same thing tend to think healing and moving on and "getting-past" are taking longer than they should - which amounts to judging what one knows little or nothing about (or even "over-imagining" /"mis-imagining" one thing or another about the experience/situation).
And so, while the individual going through the thing himself can see slow and steady progress, he must deal with the schedule or time limit that someone else (who doesn't know enough about the experience/problem) has deemed "ought to have done it" for the person who "should have been over it" or "more over it" than he is.
Strong, capable, self-assured, people can find this challenging but may know enough to kind of withdraw from anyone who comes across as judging. I think, though, that it can be a whole other thing for the less-sure (maybe, children for example) and/or more tired (maybe elderly, for example); or for that matter, anyone who has had more than the usual number of some types of experiences than might be considered "average".
And, what it all amounts to, I'd guess, is a whole lot of people in this world being judged and driven into isolation when what they need is at least better understanding - not the judgment of others who, as they say, don't have a clue and don't even have a clue about not having a clue.
That's kind of how it is with everything (particularly the bad stuff, but also the good stuff in life). We can "only imagine" (and sometimes, maybe, imagine accurately - sort of, maybe). Still, all the tiny little stuff that one goes through when dealing with anything (big, small, good, bad) is often not what others can truly understand (or at least have a slightly better idea about than if they didn't have some similar/comparable experience. Even then, though, there are individual differences that make one experience completely (or at least sort of) different between different individuals.
If there's one thing that I've figured out in life it's that when it comes to some of the more serious and/or complicated experiences (whether that's something like grief or something like a serious and/or complicated medical condition/injury; it's that things generally take a lot longer to heal than those who experience them think they should, thought they would, or hoped they would. That's something we learn when experience some of those things in life. But, as we experience them we also figure out how to get through them AND how, even if they take longer than we thought we can usually see slow improvement (slower than we want, but improvement nonetheless). That all is, as they say, how it is.
The real challenge for people can be, though, that while they manage their way through whatever process there is in getting over something and/or healing; the real problem isn't always the impatience of the person going though something/getting past something. The complicating and difficult part of getting through a bad time or past a bad experience, or healing from some medical issues isn't really even the frustrating, disappointing, or challenging discovery that healing takes longer than the person going through it wanted or thought it should; but that others around him who haven't gone through the same thing tend to think healing and moving on and "getting-past" are taking longer than they should - which amounts to judging what one knows little or nothing about (or even "over-imagining" /"mis-imagining" one thing or another about the experience/situation).
And so, while the individual going through the thing himself can see slow and steady progress, he must deal with the schedule or time limit that someone else (who doesn't know enough about the experience/problem) has deemed "ought to have done it" for the person who "should have been over it" or "more over it" than he is.
Strong, capable, self-assured, people can find this challenging but may know enough to kind of withdraw from anyone who comes across as judging. I think, though, that it can be a whole other thing for the less-sure (maybe, children for example) and/or more tired (maybe elderly, for example); or for that matter, anyone who has had more than the usual number of some types of experiences than might be considered "average".
And, what it all amounts to, I'd guess, is a whole lot of people in this world being judged and driven into isolation when what they need is at least better understanding - not the judgment of others who, as they say, don't have a clue and don't even have a clue about not having a clue.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Just A Note...
Although no posts show up on this page it's not because they don't exist - but it's not a glitch either. There are actually quite a few posts, but I've got them temporarily "on hold" (otherwise known as "drafts"), not because they're drafts. It's that I'm reconsidering how narrow or broad I want to make the overall "flavor" of this site. Well, it's not just that, but that's the main reason I have the site in transition.
Of course, if you came looking for something to read and don't find anything that's really all that matters to you - so I apologize for the temporary transition/overhaul. I've left a few news links/ resources up mainly because I figured they're better than nothing.
Of course, if you came looking for something to read and don't find anything that's really all that matters to you - so I apologize for the temporary transition/overhaul. I've left a few news links/ resources up mainly because I figured they're better than nothing.
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