Storm Clouds and Wind Chimes

"Stop making excuses," is an admonishment people seem to love to say and love to hear spoken to others. These are words generally aimed at other people - seldom ourselves. When television and radio psychologists, money experts, and other professional utter these words viewers and listeners decide they admire the person who speaks them. Studio audiences cheer. "Stop making excuses," however, are words that must be used very, very, cautiously; because these words are sometimes not the words of wisdom, but the words of ignorance.

Most of us learned "stop making excuses" when we were kids. Maybe a parent asked us why we didn't come home in time for dinner, and our answer was something like, "I was talking with my friend and didn't know what time it was." In our hearts we knew we making up an excuse, so when parents saw it for what it was we also knew they were right.

In the 1970's self-help books seemed to come into their own in popularity. These "change-your-thinking" books had their points, but often fostered the blanket notion that everyone's unhappiness is his own fault. In the 1980's our culture saw a rise a television and radio professionals, who also struck a note of correctness in their talk about how so many problems are the sufferer's own fault.

("Your husband is an alcoholic? Kick him out." "Your teenager is on drugs? Kick her out." "Your weight makes you unhappy? Lose it, you loser!" "Your mother criticizes you relentlessly? Get her our of your life.") These simple answer certainly point out one way to solve one's problems, but life isn't that simple.

The woman with the alcoholic husband may know that her husband slipped, unintentionally, into addiction. She may know he is a decent man who has been through awful things in life. She may care about him and know that if she kicks him out he'll end up in the street. She may know he isn't the kind of alcoholic who beats family members or throws televisions out the window. She may believe that "in sickness and in health" meant something. Could this woman solve her own unhappiness by kicking out the "inconvenient" husband? Sure. Is saying, "That's not something I can do," an excuse? No. It is a reason, and it may even be good reason. It is not "just an excuse".

The parent with the teenager on drugs may know the same kind of things. The teen may be a very decent kid who experimented too young and got himself in trouble. He could be a kid who has never had much self-esteem (maybe because he's had to struggle in school or maybe because he has a physical appearance over which peers have teased him relentlessly). A parent may know that his child is generally a very kind, decent, kid who has gotten himself in too deep too young. This parent may know his child has no place to go and may believe if he hangs in there long enough he'll get his child through the troubled waters. Again, is it an "excuse" for a parent to want to stand by his child and try to get him through the rough spots? No. It is a reason and a good one. In fact, I knew someone who had a daughter who was acting up, and this mother was badgered by friends, family, and even experts about "kicking out" her teenage daughter. This woman stuck it out, and her daughter got through it. This was a mother who used to say, "I just know if I kick her out that will be it. I know what happens if they end up on the streets."

The person with the weight problem may be battling his own chemistry. This could be a person under extreme stress, and when people live under extreme stress their body demands more high-energy foods. Such people feel weak and tired if they don't meet their body's demands for extra calories/fat, and the person who must keep going rather than just go sit on the couch cannot keep going without meeting his body's call for high-energy foods. This overweight person may hate himself for his "inability to exercise self-control", but the other side of that is that this person IS exercising self-control when he decides to keep going and sacrifice his abs (and even health), because grown-up, well adjusted, people keep going no matter what it takes to do that. Hitting the couch is for kids and the emotionally struggling. It is not what generally healthy adults do.

With regard to the example of the criticizing mother, getting that mother out of her life would certainly solve the problem for the daughter. Again, though, she may love her mother. Her mother may otherwise be a very caring person. Is it such a bad "excuse" for that daughter to want to try to maintain some relationship with the mother about whom she does care?

Sometimes the words, "Stop making excuses," are just too simple and shallow. Sometimes, too, those words can actually be a matter of advising people to run away (or kick out) problems that - really - would be best addressed, even though addressing them takes a lot of struggle, time, and even willingness to be unhappy.

Then there is the matter of children and excuses. There's no doubt about it children make excuses. With children, though, the matter of whether something is an excuse or a legitimate reason can be even more complicated. Sometimes, too, children, themselves, don't even realize that they had a legitimate reason that caused them to need to think up an excuse. At other times, good parenting may require understanding some excuses.

Here are some examples of how excuses and reasons can become confused when kids are involved: A fifteen-year-old may have two history chapters to read for homework. She may vow to get her homework done, but each time she tries to read those chapters she discovers she isn't paying attention to the words. She may try to get what those words mean, only to continue to discover that they're just not sinking in. After a few tries she decides she just do this particular homework.

The problem could be that she is tired and having trouble concentrating. She could be under general stress in life and school, but it may only affect her functioning on things like reading long pages. She may even have a bad case of PMS. In any event, she doesn't complete the assignment.

When the teacher discovers she can't answer questions (or pass a quiz) when the time comes she is asked if she read the book. She can choose to say, "I did not read it, and I have no excuse." This, of course, may or may not sit well with the teacher, depending on whether the teacher values honesty or wants someone to "at least respect her enough to make up an excuse." What this teenager may not realize is she does have a good reason. If she's been living stressed out or has some other circumstances that affected her ability to concentrate, there wasn't anything she could do to be able to concentrate that evening. If this girl's parents ask her why she didn't do her homework she truly may not have an understanding of what caused the difficulty concentrating, so she may actually make up an excuse like, "I felt sick," or "I was too tired because I had dancing that day."

In this example, there is even the chance that book was just out-and-out boring and torture to the point of causing inability to concentrate on it. If this teenager is someone who leans toward math, it could just be too much for her to be able to force herself to concentrate on a particularly boring history book. If this young woman says, "It was too boring," someone will surely call that an "excuse". If she tried and tried and found she couldn't make herself concentrate that's not an excuse. It's reality.

On the other hand, there are times when a kid may be out with friends, having a good time, and stay too long to be able to do homework when they're not too tired to do it. This would be a case of emphasizing the excuse but not really having a good reason. To complicate this type of situation, though, one must consider that there are times when a teenager may be struggling with some sadness or difficulty in her life (it could be a "real" one or it could be the result of her perception of what is "a tragedy"). At times like this, there can be something healthy about a teen talking things out with the person or people to whom they most relate; so even in a case like this, there are times when a sensible choice or an emotional need may cause someone to make what looks like a careless judgment in the eyes of those who don't understand what's going on.

Over recent years our television screens and book stores features people who are not even trained psychologists, telling viewers and readers, "Stop making excuses for having too little money. Get up off the couch and go make some." The message they send is, "There's no excuse for not building wealth." It all sounds good - so good there are a whole lot of people who spend their hard-earned money for programs that would require them to have more nerve or less conscience than they may actually have. While some people may, in fact, have found ways to build their wealth by seeking out others' misfortune or risking bankruptcy or possibly legal problems, themselves; but not all people (for good or ill) have what it takes to "just decide to become wealthy."

We have radio talk show hosts and callers saying, "I did what I had to do to get my education and be making the big money I now make. Welfare people and others who complain about money problems should stop making excuses and get three jobs if they need to." While the world certainly has its people who don't bother, or don't know how, to "do what they need to do," the reality is that most people would "just do what they need to do" if they were able. There are internal and external circumstances that make getting the education, finding jobs, keeping jobs, and otherwise just doing what one needs to do difficult or impossible.

Sure, there are people from dirt-poor families who had the benefit of nurturing that allowed them to get into Harvard University. Not every person, however, has the benefit of solid (even if financially disadvantaged) parents. Sure, there are people who had drug addict, abusive, parents; but such people often have a "surrogate" parenting figure who provides the right nurturing. The particular combination of internal and external circumstances for any one person is never something about which others have a full understanding. Most of life's problems stem from relationships, education issues, money matters, stress, health problems, and addiction to one substance or another - and these aren't simple problems for those who have not experienced them to understand.

The difficulties of life have a way of intertwining and complicating things yet further. Sometimes things get so complicated even the person, himself, can't sort them out. The cigarette smoker who started smoking as a foolish kid may discover years later that cigarettes actually help him keep unbearable memories in check. He may discover that not smoking seems to unleash a Pandora's box of unbearable memories, and he may choose to risk his physical health in favor of preserving his mental health. The same can apply to people who use food, alcohol, or drugs to control (yes, control - not necessarily "escape from") unbearable thoughts. Health problems can affect mental health or relationships. Money problems can as well. Everyone has stress, and everyone must deal with loss and grief. Still, stress for some people can come from too many different directions, in degrees that can be extremely difficult to manage, and for lengths of time that can alter even the strongest and most sensible person's ability to "just do what he needs to do".

Saying to others (or enjoying hear it said to others), "Stop making excuses," allows the speaker (or observer) to feel a little superior. Those of us who are not struggling with money, who have gotten a good education or acquired marketable skills, who have had only normal amounts of life stresses, or who have been blessed with good physical or mental health - by virtue of simple lack of a certain combination of difficulties - can have tendency to view other people's problems as having a simple solution. Many of us were conditioned as children to believe that, "Stop making excuses," is what the grown-ups get to say to the juvenile and the inferior. Some of us even grew up believing that staying to support a troubled friend, rather than getting back in time to do homework, was a terrible thing and not an excuse for not doing our homework one night.

Some of us, faced with parents who - over and over again - said, "Stop making excuses," couldn't wait to grow up and say the same thing to other people. Even some of us, for some reason, have seen the admiration some of those tough tv and radio experts have gotten; and so have fallen to that "oh-so-clear" thinking in black and white simplicity. There are even some of us who have been so conditioned to see even legitimate reasons as "excuses" that we are not able to see when we, ourselves, may have legitimate reasons.

There are times in life when people will make up excuses for what is inexcusable. Some people, more than others, do that on a regular basis. Children are famous for making up excuses, but children both mess up because they're children and often have too much respect for adult, or too little confidence in themselves, to just "own up".

I, for one, choose to try to have an open mind before deciding that someone's reason is an "excuse". No, I don't get that momentary sense of feeling superior; and, no, I don't get to talk about someone behind his back and talk about how he could get his life in order if he'd only do what he needs to (or ought to) do. Still, I get to live in a world where I see other people and myself as humans who struggle at times with one thing or another; and I'd rather relate to, and/or understand, other people than feel superior to them.

When it comes to saying, "Stop making excuses," I'm very, very, reluctant to use that admonishment on other people; and maybe more importantly, I take the time and figure out whether my own "excuses" are actually that or "legitimate reasons", and that makes me understand myself, my situation, and even other people just a little bit better.

Getting to the point of knowing when its time to go is a process. Even those who believe they "just woke up one day and knew it was time to go" most likely didn't really "just wake up one day". What they've done is reach the completion of the process of realizing the marriage has reached its end.

An unhealthy marriage that is destined to fail can be compared to those times when we've unintentionally killed a beautiful, potted, plant: It started out with such beauty and hope, but one day we noticed the plant wasn't looking as good as before. Maybe we tried moving it to another window, and when that didn't help maybe we watered it more or less - or both at different times. As leaves fell or turned pale or brown, and after we tried everything, we helplessly watched as the plant's condition worsened to the point where we no longer remembered how beautiful it had been.

When we saw that the plant had turned into nothing but a single, pale, green, stem maybe we stopped watering it or even put it outside in the sun in the hopes that it may come back. "Maybe it will come back if I cut it back," we may have said.

So, after cutting it back and seeing nothing but an empty pot we may have kind of stopped thinking about the plant altogether. Time passed, and one day we may have noticed that the soil had become nothing but a hard, dry, block incapable of supporting any plant life at all. This was the point when it was finally clear that the plant could not possibly "come back".

When a marriage goes from seeming solid to seeming as if something is a little missing its easy to believe things could get better. When it goes from seeming as if something is a little missing to clearly being in trouble its still easy to believe things will get better. When it goes from being in trouble to being either empty or hate-filled people may still wish there were a way to make the marriage work. Wishing there were a way to make it work, though, is a separate thing from having any hope that it may.

This may be the point where people "have given up on watering the plant" and have become resigned to just letting it sit there, in the window, indefinitely. They may still - in their heads and in some part of their hearts - want to keep the marriage together. They make become resigned to the idea of living in an empty marriage, and they may reach that day when they look ahead to the rest of their lives, realize their one life will never be what it should be, and grieve the loss of a future that is whole. They may hang onto whatever it is they share as a couple (a past, children, a house) because they value what they have had and do have together.

Just as with that dried out dirt in the plant pot, though, one day someone always "just wakes up" and realizes there's absolutely no hope. The marriage may have deteriorated from "just empty" to absolutely unbearable. So, after all the trying, wishing, hoping, hanging on, and even adjusting to the idea of the rest of life's being less than whole, someone realizes that the situation has become so unbearable staying is not an option.

Knowing when its time to go doesn't come easily, but when it does there are no questions about whether or not going is the right thing to do.